NOv 17

The day of my birth, since I was young, I have always despised this day. I always finish the day with sadness and doubt within me. But a miracle happened today.

My family is currently having a huge financial problem leading me and my sister to stop our studies, I wanted to celebrate my birthday with my friends. So I decided to go to school, I haven't been to school for weeks and I left no trace with me in it. I literally just vanished out of school. But today I went to Gen to celebrate the day with her, but unfortunately, she has a class for 3:00 so I decided to proceed to the I.T Lab to wait for her. There I met Jia, one of my friends, we spent the whole hour waiting for Gen, we decided to go to her classroom to wait for her outside, I bumped into Alejo and told him that I was going to transfer schools, he pouted but greeted me for my birthday anyways. A couple moments later when me and Jia was outside Gen's class I saw Alejo again, I waved at him and he waved back before going inside their class. What shocked me was when my crush suddenly peeked his head from their classroom. At first I was not sure because of the distance but when he suddenly ran towards me I was shocked, he greeted me and played with my hands happily.

When I told Gen about it, she was thrilled and so was I. That moment really printed on my mind. I thought he was absent, I thought he was absent or better yet would not notice me since we are no longer classmates but to my surprise.. Oh my!!! I won't be sleeping easily this night..


-November 17

Rant

why do you always tell me to do this and do that, why do you always force me to be mature to think negatively. Why do you always tell me to think about all of your problems when I have my own. Why do you always show how much you hate me.'

You always got the chance to scream at me then reprimand me about things while I am stuck out here voicing my feelings to a stock up blog that only I and a few people can read. You have teached me many things but to accept the love given to me, since how can I learn to love myself when infact the love I should have recieved from the person who was supposed to give me never gave me in return.'

Playing with my heart

This feeling of hurt and doubt surrounding me, this feeling of anger and feeling like the demon inside you leads you to pains unimaginable. Tired of being invisible and being not listened to, how many shouts were you making before they even heard you, how many fucked up situations have you experienced but they still see an unworthy child when they look at you. You call them parents? Aren't they supposed to take care of you and even accept you together with your flaws. But why.. why are they the ones who sunk you down to the pit when you were wrong, when you act grumpy for their tasks given to you, they start counting THEIR own hardships in taking care of you, obvious of the fact that you never told them to conceive you, telling you that they wish you were never born.

The parents you should've relied on when you are in pain, the folks you should have cried hugging and soothing you with are the ones who are pushing you away and hurting you more with their heartless words and harsh comments about your existence.

I am tired of accepting, I am tired of staying quiet. I am tired of everything. An empty shell, no tomorrow a heartless corpse, that's what I am now.