it's weird how i always try my best to see everything on the positive side. it's also weird how i try to be alright when things go wrong. knowing that in this lonesome place, i am always alone with no one to rely or be dependent on. crying myself to sleep, keeping secrets to everyone.
as a daughter with two younger siblings, i tend to be the mediator between quarrels, i always get blamed for things i never did, i always got viewed as the black sheep of the family, not being appreciated to what i do best but always getting ridicule to what i do less. i have realized many things since i was young, getting left behind, being misunderstood. recognition day on the 5th grade, i was glad i received a medal for a job well done, i was happy though i only got a bronze colored one, i was ecstatic to the news, i did not tell my parents for it to be a surprise for them. as the ceremony had come to an end and as i was getting called to the stage, i climbed the stairs with utter shame and sadness, filled with questions, i walked to the center, was given the medal and was asked to take a picture. But who would take my picture? no one was there, all i see is my younger sister beside me who does not know what to do and an unknown crowd of people all smiling as their child has finally past the grade, in the sea of people i desperately tried to look for the people who would give me a big smile celebrating my day, but sadly there was none. i asked my sister as we went down, what happened? where are they? but all she said was that they are busy. devastated, we went home only to find out that they were just lying on bed all day. i walked in on them not looking up trying to hold my tears as i asked why they were not present at the ceremony.
"Cause it is shameful to go up the stage just to pin a ribbon on you " they said
i forced my sister not to tell them i had actually received a medal that day. back then i silently cried my eyes out alone in my room until i can cry no more. back then what stuck to me was the question..
"If it was shameful enough, then why aren't they present? why were they not there? why did they leave me there to face all of those stares?"
i was envious of my classmate back then, she was a small girl, not too noticeable, she was a daughter of one of our janitor at school, she just received a few ribbons that day but her mom was there, hugging her, taking a picture of her smiling. i was jealous. Why can't my parents not be there, where were they. now that i received just a non-meaningful thing, they leave me hanging..
my sister once screamed at me, why do i have to be perfect, why do i have to pretend like i can do anything, why do i shut my mouth up and pretend to be the good kid.. i was scared that my parents would leave me to rot alone, i am scared that i am right.
