Why is it hard to find the one for you? Why do I always meet people who would never even stay in my life longer for me to realize that they are not worth it? Why can't I forget the person I really wish to forget? Why do people seemed to be much more happier in life than me? Why am I in constant need of something filling me? Why am I always swimming in a sea of loneliness that I can never out run? Why do I always feel insecure with the people around me?
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Tuesday, September 18, 2018
Friday, September 7, 2018
September 7, 2018
the funny thing is, i can't help but compare myself with my siblings. Just because I don't ask for help doesn't mean you could leave me alone to strive for myself. Just because I am the oldest doesn't mean i have to be perfect all the time. You compare me to other people like I have all the flaws in the world, while you alienate me between my siblings when it comes to sharing your love. You only see me when you needed me but was never there when i needed you. You call me cold heart and stone faced when you are the ones making me to.
Every day I feel this lonesome black hole inside me, hoping to be filled but alas it was a dream I can never reach. I have experienced my own hardships, I had fallen in love not just one but twice, I was looking for comfort, but you were not there when I looked back. You are busy with your own problems that I did not want to add more, I was scared and horrified a hundred times but I saw no one who I can run upon. I felt weak everyday thinking I was not worth it but I heard no one's comfort as I weep to my sleep. I felt success often but there was no one I can be proud about it with.
I learnt how to deal with my emotions just by pretending nothing happened, I practiced myself to just be silent on everything and just show a happy face. I pretended not to feel anything and just cry when I reach my room. I pretended to be okay when I get hurt and just deal with the pain. I pretended to be strong and just let everything go. I pretended to be bad just to hide my weak side. All these things are not my fault, this was just the fruits of how I grew up feeling alone inside. I don't know how to interact, i don't know how to feel, i don't know what is right and i don't know what is real. So forgive me if I may have offended you, but I just don't know what to do, cause with all the things that happened around me, i don't have anyone to run in to.
Every day I feel this lonesome black hole inside me, hoping to be filled but alas it was a dream I can never reach. I have experienced my own hardships, I had fallen in love not just one but twice, I was looking for comfort, but you were not there when I looked back. You are busy with your own problems that I did not want to add more, I was scared and horrified a hundred times but I saw no one who I can run upon. I felt weak everyday thinking I was not worth it but I heard no one's comfort as I weep to my sleep. I felt success often but there was no one I can be proud about it with.
I learnt how to deal with my emotions just by pretending nothing happened, I practiced myself to just be silent on everything and just show a happy face. I pretended not to feel anything and just cry when I reach my room. I pretended to be okay when I get hurt and just deal with the pain. I pretended to be strong and just let everything go. I pretended to be bad just to hide my weak side. All these things are not my fault, this was just the fruits of how I grew up feeling alone inside. I don't know how to interact, i don't know how to feel, i don't know what is right and i don't know what is real. So forgive me if I may have offended you, but I just don't know what to do, cause with all the things that happened around me, i don't have anyone to run in to.
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