Thank you for the discrimination

Thank you for the discrimination
What an awesome motivation
A very low solution
For solving this petty equation

Thank you for bringing me down
For filling my days with a frown
For treating me like a clown
For fucking me around

Thank you for really showing me
What a horrible mother you can be
For regretting to be your baby
For pushing me to die easily

Halt to Everything

I once wished that I had a power, so that people would actually look at my worth. That I am not just another loser walking through the crowd just so you could push and shove when they feel like it to.

Hoping that through these then maybe I could be different, maybe then they would realize that there was no need in comparing me to other people, scolding me on how I can not be like the other kid. Perfect like the other kids prim and proper like the other kids.

That's what I feel at school.

While on the other hand at home, I get the weight of the whole world on my shoulders, being the eldest and all then supposed to be smart, wise, has high standards. I am supposed to be bringing luck and joy and what not. I am supposed to meet expectations. But what is real is that here I am, trying to hide my true self to people who in the first place should know me. The people who should know my limitations, my strength and my weakness.

People who asks for favors then blames you if something happens. Clearly stating that they will never trust you. Clearly telling that you are not worthy of anything. I am to fed up to follow all of these ridiculous things, I am tired of trying to prove my innocence when from the beginning, they would never believe a single word out of my mouth. I am exhausted trying to stand back up whenever I am pushed to the ground. I am finished with all these excuse of living. I am through with trying to fit in in places I don't belong. I hate this. I don't want to live anymore.

There is a perk about writing online, not everyone reads these trashes I write, if there are, no one knows me. As far as they are concerned, I am just one of a hundred zillion people living on earth that is just worthlessly voicing her own thoughts about her life.

what i feel

I hate her..
WHen she blames me for things i didn't do
when she shows her love only when she needs something
when she points me at all my flaws
when she never notices my achievements
when she denies my very existence
when she never listens to my problems
when she points out that i am no one
when she accuses me of being a slut
when she pushes me down when i stumble
when she never thought of what i would feel
when she glares at me for portraying my feelings
when she never cared for me at all
when she tells me she loves me only in front of others
when she makes me regret i ever lived

i hate her...
i despise her...
i blame her...
i have attempted suicide many times...
i have thought of life without me
i have thought of possible ways to die peacefully
i have wished many deaths
i have begged to be freed from misery
i have hoped for my ending many times
for the very person who should be my comfort and strength is the very person who pushed me further down to this miserable life without batting an eye..

now i am waiting for the perfect time to ask her one thing
"when i die, will you be mourning?"