November 17

 This I may say might be the first time I will be sleeping in on my birthday fully understanding that the most greeting I will be getting is just from 4 people, my family. It just got me thinking that unless reminded by the social media. No one would even greet me .. I am that unimpactful.. well the worst thing is I am out here looking for someone to vent out to.

This Christmas Sucks! - 2023

 Other than getting Harry and Ham for my sister, I am having the worst Christmas ever. I just had mediocre gifts and even lost my phone. To even stooped low as to ask for a favor from my aunt for help in which in this case, would hardly doubt she would help.

I am not appreciating anything so far and I am not liking it, they said to be grateful but I can't seem to find any way to do so. I am so freaking tired of trying to fit in, trying to stay positive. And I have to work tomorrow, then I keep on thinking of the bills I have to pay. Papa's dialysis, my sibling's commute fare. F*ck.

LIFE IS A BITCH

 All along I have thought that my connection with my siblings may be shaky but strong hence I am dumbfounded when I learned I was never part of their plan all along. 

Here I am planning ahead future where I would just see them a few feet away and then I learned I was never present in theirs. I did not know that I am making my youngest feel abandoned, understandably I have felt that with him lately as well. But the feeling of being questioned how my sincerity was a huge arrow to my core.

It makes me cry thinking that all this time I am the one being delusional that anytime now my siblings would just go away without warning leaving me with my fantasies. Then this made me realize, I am just alone. What an irony it is, I tend to work alone but I am scared of being left alone.