dreary

why am I silent? why do I prefer voicing out my frustrations through writing? Simply because I don't want to accidentally ask everyone who pretends to know me, I don't want to ask them questions they would surely regret to hear.

If you know me, do you know how many suicidal attempts I did since I was young? I don't ask what my favorite color is, cause I know that there are limited colors in the world and you can just enumerate them. If you know me, do you know how many times I wished to just be swallowed in the dark just to avoid getting hurt again? I won't ask what my favorite movie is cause it just seemed surreal. If you know me, do you know how many times I have faked my smile just to avoid confrontations? Do you know how many tears have fallen from my heart every time I get rejected? Do you know how many cries and how my heart dies every time I get stood up from expecting too much from a person? Do you know how much I wanted to reach out to someone thinking they could help me but in the end retreats cause I am afraid they would shun me? Do you know how much I wanted to die just to make every thing stop? Do you know how much I have been suffering from loneliness, trying to stand up from going down? Do you know how I felt when at an early age I realized that the people to whom I have expected to be there for me was no where to be seen? Do you know how it felt to be stood up by your parents on recognition day just because they are ashamed when they heard I got a low grade where in fact I received an award, so i just awkwardly stood there on stage with no one to look to but my clumsy sister who was there since we attend to the same school? Do you know what I felt?