august 18. 2018

it's funny how i always get asked one silly question by my parents.

"WHAT DO YOU WANT?" to some people they may think that the once who are asking are caring and have been thinking on what the other person have felt, but truthfully, NO, they don't.

there was this one time when my parents asked me if i wanted to attend a party alone or with my sister, and with my sister being who she is, she didn't want to go. But of course so did I, I told them I don't want to, i told them I don't need to, but deep inside I really wanted to try it. At least just a glimpse would be fine. But hell no, I was already called a slut and a whore many times by my own mother, so why risk a chance to prove her about that? They allow me to choose but I always end up thinking what they might say or think that they haven't shouted at me yet. If I did go to that party? Will she call me a slut again? or a whore maybe? or an ungrateful child? If I did go home late that night and allowed myself to enjoy that moment? would they call me a trouble child again? would they reprimand me and say that i go and meet men and flirt with them?

In their eyes, I was a slut and a whore, that i always flirt with men every time I got the chance. what ever i do, it's always bad for them, I am always the problem child. If my brother or sister got reprimanded, they include me in the screaming and counting of sins. If I did good, i never heard a sincere praise. If i did bad at something, i am always at the wrong but when my siblings did, it means they are inexperienced.

I was not allowed to be improper, I always have bottled up my emotions and waited to arrive at my room before i let my tears fall. I cannot shout because they might hear for their room is just below mine. I let out silent cries cause i know it can never be heard. I comfort my self through means of fantasies I read in books and watching movies. I contain my pains cause I know I would just get blamed for it. I have started to be unemotional to things, I have distanced myself from the people who i thought would care.

My friends are busy with their lives and I don't want to burden them with my own, I keep secrets to which I would carry to the ground and might never ever tell anyone. Still I will be asked what I want. And maybe someday I may finally breathe the words..

"My End"