November 25, 2017

I wake up trying to be the perfect daughter expected of me,
I did the laundry till my fingers earned wounds cause you can't,
I cooked double time while doing the laundry cause you went out,
I come and go to tend my dog who keeps on barking at people when you are there near her,
I hang the clothes I washed while going up and down the stairs to answer your every chore,

All those things I did in one day while I am still feeling feverish, then my sister came home, joked a little, chatted a little then went inside the room to sleep,

At dinner,
I cooked rice while trying to cook stew cause my sister was still busy with her phone,
Then with me cooking dinner it was supposed to be my sisters turn to do the dishes but she was asleep,
Instead of reprimanding her, you shout at me, curse at me, make me look disgusting in front of visitors. Telling me I did nothing the whole day.

For the love of something sane, wake up! Your favoritism is really obvious there. If my sister feels sick, you let her rest in the air conditioned room, while if I get sick, I try sleeping in my not so comfortable room while you try waking me up cause you can't find this, you can't find that and what ever things you want me to do.

If I mumble things you think I have talked back at you, But if my sister mumble things you think that it was just funny and laugh it all while jokingly teasing her?

You know where this leads? I think I am a bloody masochist for staying alive in this family. Yet still here I am expecting that maybe later you'd come into my room and let me for once feel you really appreciate my presence in this family, cause I am starting to doubt it. To think that the people who was supposed to make me feel safe and sound are one of the people who are making me feel like shit and is unimportant.

Makes me wish that when I was cutting myself at high school, I wish I had cut a vein there, or when a small fire exploded from our stove, I wish I was enveloped in it, or when I fell of a jeepney, I wish I was ran over by it. Gosh.. I really am pathetic.

Nov. 7, 2017

They call me a thief, they call me a slut, they call me idiot, they call me crazy, they call me weird they call me misfit. I have been called many more things till this day. I have been called atrocious things that even listening would make you say, "Is something wrong with her?".

These words may seem nonsense but it hurts deeply, specially when you are called by your own family. I have called disgrace, I've been called lazy, I have been called unwanted, I have been called ugly, I have been called shitty cause I guess that is what they see in me.

Reminiscing on my past, makes me wonder how I have last. 10 more days till my birthday, I don't even know if I would reach that day. I am thinking things through, on what a happy world I could've gone through if I could just do that sin, If I could have just sliced my skin. If I could have just made that attempt, If I could have just do what I can't.

Day by day it gets harder to breathe, Day by day I get lulled to sleep, by my pathetic cries, by my facade and lies, telling myself that it will be okay, thinking that there will be someday. They'd come up my dark room, knock on my door and take a peek, hug me and say "I love you since you came that day".

Crying

I live my life trying to interpret all of my bottled up feelings. Being compared to other people, discriminating me, not being able to understand when in fact they are my blood. Not being able to see how I am trying my best just to keep up this facade I call life. When in fact I am a lifeless shell just remote controlled to move..

I am not perfect, I am trying to be but will never be. I cry silently in my room to avoid unnecessary questions that will never have the right answer. You always misunderstand everything I say, You ask what you should do to keep up with me, but all I can answer is silence. Then you get angry, then what if I ask you if you could kill me to shorten my life, for me to be happy, what if I ask you to kill me, will that silence you? Will you do that to me? Cause honestly I am really tired and fed up with breathing but not living. No. I was never alive in the beginning. 

If I ask you, you would still not listen, If I shout, you would never hear. Nothing seemed right for me, Now living almost 20 years of worthless existence, I always come up with strange thoughts, thoughts which can solve my miserable life. But in the end, I can never have the courage to stroke my pulse with that sharp end. 

I am a coward, I hide cause I could never solve anything. I have these problems bottled up inside, but do you have any idea? NO.. There you are, laughing like you got nothing to lose.

MY heart Moved....

IS it bad to admire a guy younger than you?
His name was Erwin.. HE was my childhood friend back at my father's hometown.. I met him when I was at my high school years, before he was still a little child whom I always play with together with all of our cousins and children there.
We seldom visit my father's hometown since it was far and because of complications so we visit that place once a year.. only on all soul's day and we'd stay at least for five days.

Then now we came back to that place and I met my childhood friends together with Erwin.. I was shocked since it has been a while and I even forgot most of their names and faces, and what shocked me was how tall they have grown. I was older but looking at their height gives me goosebumps..

Then one time, I have decided to take a bath at the lake near there since I envied the children playing there. I asked permission to my father and I invited my brother together with Erwin and his brother to come with. While at the lake, i was the only one to actually take a bath since they were not interested and while there, I noticed Erwin staying guard not further away from me while I was taking a bath, while our brothers were much further away playing with the water.

I saw him as a gentleman that day, I was really flushed. And was extremely shocked, then I noticed things I haven't noticed before. By the way he acts, asking if I would like to eat mangoes, even guarding the door of their house while I was changing in their room, even telling me to eat in their house.. My heart really skipped a beat there for a moment... I don't understand this....

Thank you for the discrimination

Thank you for the discrimination
What an awesome motivation
A very low solution
For solving this petty equation

Thank you for bringing me down
For filling my days with a frown
For treating me like a clown
For fucking me around

Thank you for really showing me
What a horrible mother you can be
For regretting to be your baby
For pushing me to die easily

Halt to Everything

I once wished that I had a power, so that people would actually look at my worth. That I am not just another loser walking through the crowd just so you could push and shove when they feel like it to.

Hoping that through these then maybe I could be different, maybe then they would realize that there was no need in comparing me to other people, scolding me on how I can not be like the other kid. Perfect like the other kids prim and proper like the other kids.

That's what I feel at school.

While on the other hand at home, I get the weight of the whole world on my shoulders, being the eldest and all then supposed to be smart, wise, has high standards. I am supposed to be bringing luck and joy and what not. I am supposed to meet expectations. But what is real is that here I am, trying to hide my true self to people who in the first place should know me. The people who should know my limitations, my strength and my weakness.

People who asks for favors then blames you if something happens. Clearly stating that they will never trust you. Clearly telling that you are not worthy of anything. I am to fed up to follow all of these ridiculous things, I am tired of trying to prove my innocence when from the beginning, they would never believe a single word out of my mouth. I am exhausted trying to stand back up whenever I am pushed to the ground. I am finished with all these excuse of living. I am through with trying to fit in in places I don't belong. I hate this. I don't want to live anymore.

There is a perk about writing online, not everyone reads these trashes I write, if there are, no one knows me. As far as they are concerned, I am just one of a hundred zillion people living on earth that is just worthlessly voicing her own thoughts about her life.

what i feel

I hate her..
WHen she blames me for things i didn't do
when she shows her love only when she needs something
when she points me at all my flaws
when she never notices my achievements
when she denies my very existence
when she never listens to my problems
when she points out that i am no one
when she accuses me of being a slut
when she pushes me down when i stumble
when she never thought of what i would feel
when she glares at me for portraying my feelings
when she never cared for me at all
when she tells me she loves me only in front of others
when she makes me regret i ever lived

i hate her...
i despise her...
i blame her...
i have attempted suicide many times...
i have thought of life without me
i have thought of possible ways to die peacefully
i have wished many deaths
i have begged to be freed from misery
i have hoped for my ending many times
for the very person who should be my comfort and strength is the very person who pushed me further down to this miserable life without batting an eye..

now i am waiting for the perfect time to ask her one thing
"when i die, will you be mourning?"