Just another day

When you feel like everything was playing smoothly, a curse falls upon you. You get reprimanded, you get yelled at to the point of wanting to stab the culprit painfully at the back. I really want to do bad things and just a little thread of sanity is the only thing pulling me back from the good thing and that is to just brush it off. Maybe I may start showing symptoms of fighting back, later, I might start talking back, I might start ignoring them. I might even start separating myself from them and loosing all contact.

But what shocked me is the way I calmly and professionally hide these gushing feelings of mine. I really am so good at it, they might think I was another person if they ever find out about it. Truthfully I am terrified at my dark me, I am scared that I might actually do the things I have been visualizing, I might really do the things my dark me have been itching to do. All these bottled up emotions that are itching to burst to the surface. This other person I see in my lone mirror looking back with dark and lifeless eyes. This other person whispering swear words, telling me to voice out. This other person trying to control over my body and gush out the rage and anger. This other person to whom even I don't recognize. The same face, the same voice, the same tears but strangely this person in the mirror is different. Deaf to all the noises around her, fueled with rage and depression.

Murder

with these days where all i did was keep my emotions and true feelings bottled up, I erupted.
grabbing the only pointed thing that grabbed my attention best, with it's blade not so sharp, i struck it, not once nor twice but thrice.

stabbing with force unleashing all of my hatred to one strike was not enough to fulfill my desire

just a question

Why is it hard to find the one for you? Why do I always meet people who would never even stay in my life longer for me to realize that they are not worth it? Why can't I forget the person I really wish to forget? Why do people seemed to be much more happier in life than me? Why am I in constant need of something filling me? Why am I always swimming in a sea of loneliness that I can never out run? Why do I always feel insecure with the people around me?

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September 7, 2018

the funny thing is, i can't help but compare myself with my siblings. Just because I don't ask for help doesn't mean you could leave me alone to strive for myself. Just because I am the oldest doesn't mean i have to be perfect all the time. You compare me to other people like I have all the flaws in the world, while you alienate me between my siblings when it comes to sharing your love. You only see me when you needed me but was never there when i needed you. You call me cold heart and stone faced when you are the ones making me to.

Every day I feel this lonesome black hole inside me, hoping to be filled but alas it was a dream I can never reach. I have experienced my own hardships, I had fallen in love not just one but twice, I was looking for comfort, but you were not there when I looked back. You are busy with your own problems that I did not want to add more, I was scared and horrified a hundred times but I saw no one who I can run upon. I felt weak everyday thinking I was not worth it but I heard no one's comfort as I weep to my sleep. I felt success often but there was no one I can be proud about it with.

I learnt how to deal with my emotions just by pretending nothing happened, I practiced myself to just be silent on everything and just show a happy face. I pretended not to feel anything and just cry when I reach my room. I pretended to be okay when I get hurt and just deal with the pain. I pretended to be strong and just let everything go. I pretended to be bad just to hide my weak side. All these things are not my fault, this was just the fruits of how I grew up feeling alone inside. I don't know how to interact, i don't know how to feel, i don't know what is right and i don't know what is real. So forgive me if I may have offended you, but I just don't know what to do, cause with all the things that happened around me, i don't have anyone to run in to.

august 18. 2018

it's funny how i always get asked one silly question by my parents.

"WHAT DO YOU WANT?" to some people they may think that the once who are asking are caring and have been thinking on what the other person have felt, but truthfully, NO, they don't.

there was this one time when my parents asked me if i wanted to attend a party alone or with my sister, and with my sister being who she is, she didn't want to go. But of course so did I, I told them I don't want to, i told them I don't need to, but deep inside I really wanted to try it. At least just a glimpse would be fine. But hell no, I was already called a slut and a whore many times by my own mother, so why risk a chance to prove her about that? They allow me to choose but I always end up thinking what they might say or think that they haven't shouted at me yet. If I did go to that party? Will she call me a slut again? or a whore maybe? or an ungrateful child? If I did go home late that night and allowed myself to enjoy that moment? would they call me a trouble child again? would they reprimand me and say that i go and meet men and flirt with them?

In their eyes, I was a slut and a whore, that i always flirt with men every time I got the chance. what ever i do, it's always bad for them, I am always the problem child. If my brother or sister got reprimanded, they include me in the screaming and counting of sins. If I did good, i never heard a sincere praise. If i did bad at something, i am always at the wrong but when my siblings did, it means they are inexperienced.

I was not allowed to be improper, I always have bottled up my emotions and waited to arrive at my room before i let my tears fall. I cannot shout because they might hear for their room is just below mine. I let out silent cries cause i know it can never be heard. I comfort my self through means of fantasies I read in books and watching movies. I contain my pains cause I know I would just get blamed for it. I have started to be unemotional to things, I have distanced myself from the people who i thought would care.

My friends are busy with their lives and I don't want to burden them with my own, I keep secrets to which I would carry to the ground and might never ever tell anyone. Still I will be asked what I want. And maybe someday I may finally breathe the words..

"My End"

Bad Words?!

Fuck shit!!!!!!!!!!!
Bull shit!!!!!!!!!!!!
ANimal!!!
Yawa!!!
Yati!!!

All of the bad words I knew!! cannot even describe how I hate all of you!
I hate living with you, i hate breathing the same air as you, i hate walking the same earth as you fucking being. all you do is nag nag nag.. all you ever do is say all of your hardships acting like i fucking care.. acting like everything you did was for the fucking best.. BULL FUCKING SHIT!
What part of that improved our lives huh? Just because they woke you up to prepare for lunch then you start grumbling like what they asked was the moon or stars? WHAT THE HECK?!! I did more than that and haven't even eaten a proper meal and you are the one FUCKING grumbling?!!!!


TO HELL WITH YOU!!!!

Every fucking day, i struggle with myself, I struggle with the decision whether i really wanted to live or not while all of you always wake up thinking what ever you wanted for breakfast. Every second I battle with my mind to not strike that fucking knife on my flesh and hope that I could pass the day without slicing it. Every fucking day I am always holed up in my room thinking every negative thoughts about my life and ended up summarizing my whole life. Every fucking second I always grieve with how unfit I am to be here standing in this lonesome place I call home, trying to be perfect and strong with all the holes I already have. Every fucking day I loathe myself more for not being able to do anything but cry silently then telling them I'm okay. Every fucking time I endure these voiceless tears that keeps on flowing on my tired eyes which cannot rest.

And here you are, the one who is more loved than I, the one who is more happy than I. Grumbling your way in which everyone can hear. Good for you, now I am again the villain, now I am again the lazy sloth, I am as always the bad kid. Then after being scolded for a hundredth time, I crawl my way to my dark room, creeping on my bed, holding my heart in which have been broken to shards, wishing that for once and for last, I may stake this poison deep in my remains and finally break free off this hurtful chains that binds me to which I am today and finally free my miserable ME.

my tears

it's weird how i always try my best to see everything on the positive side. it's also weird how i try to be alright when things go wrong. knowing that in this lonesome place, i am always alone with no one to rely or be dependent on. crying myself to sleep, keeping secrets to everyone.

as a daughter with two younger siblings, i tend to be the mediator between quarrels, i always get blamed for things i never did, i always got viewed as the black sheep of the family, not being appreciated to what i do best but always getting ridicule to what i do less. i have realized many things since i was young, getting left behind, being misunderstood. recognition day on the 5th grade, i was glad i received a medal for a job well done, i was happy though i only got a bronze colored one, i was ecstatic to the news, i did not tell my parents for it to be a surprise for them. as the ceremony had come to an end and as i was getting called to the stage, i climbed the stairs with utter shame and sadness, filled with questions, i walked to the center, was given the medal and was asked to take a picture. But who would take my picture? no one was there, all i see is my younger sister beside me who does not know what to do and an unknown crowd of people all smiling as their child has finally past the grade, in the sea of people i desperately tried to look for the people who would give me a big smile celebrating my day, but sadly there was none. i asked my sister as we went down, what happened? where are they? but all she said was that they are busy. devastated, we went home only to find out that they were just lying on bed all day. i walked in on them not looking up trying to hold my tears as i asked why they were not present at the ceremony.

"Cause it is shameful to go up the stage just to pin a ribbon on you " they said

i forced my sister not to tell them i had actually received a medal that day. back then i  silently cried my eyes out alone in my room until i can cry no more. back then what stuck to me was the question..

"If it was shameful enough, then why aren't they present? why were they not there? why did they leave me there to face all of those stares?"

i was envious of my classmate back then, she was a small girl, not too noticeable, she was a daughter of one of our janitor at school, she just received a few ribbons that day but her mom was there, hugging her, taking a picture of her smiling. i was jealous. Why can't my parents not be there, where were they. now that i received just a non-meaningful thing, they leave me hanging..

my sister once screamed at me, why do i have to be perfect, why do i have to pretend like i can do anything, why do i shut my mouth up and pretend to be the good kid.. i was scared that my parents would leave me to rot alone, i am scared that i am right.

dreary

why am I silent? why do I prefer voicing out my frustrations through writing? Simply because I don't want to accidentally ask everyone who pretends to know me, I don't want to ask them questions they would surely regret to hear.

If you know me, do you know how many suicidal attempts I did since I was young? I don't ask what my favorite color is, cause I know that there are limited colors in the world and you can just enumerate them. If you know me, do you know how many times I wished to just be swallowed in the dark just to avoid getting hurt again? I won't ask what my favorite movie is cause it just seemed surreal. If you know me, do you know how many times I have faked my smile just to avoid confrontations? Do you know how many tears have fallen from my heart every time I get rejected? Do you know how many cries and how my heart dies every time I get stood up from expecting too much from a person? Do you know how much I wanted to reach out to someone thinking they could help me but in the end retreats cause I am afraid they would shun me? Do you know how much I wanted to die just to make every thing stop? Do you know how much I have been suffering from loneliness, trying to stand up from going down? Do you know how I felt when at an early age I realized that the people to whom I have expected to be there for me was no where to be seen? Do you know how it felt to be stood up by your parents on recognition day just because they are ashamed when they heard I got a low grade where in fact I received an award, so i just awkwardly stood there on stage with no one to look to but my clumsy sister who was there since we attend to the same school? Do you know what I felt?

Independence Nay~

Funny how I always thought that Independence Day was a symbol for freedom and love with each other. June 12, 2018, my parents are fighting again, with the three of us in between. They decided to improve the garden shelves but ended up quarreling at the payment for them, my dad is currently jobless due to his early retirement and that leaves with my mom nagging about the money.

With us stuck in between their quarrels, not understanding how horrible it may feel towards us. All the bickering thrown back and forth causes stress levels higher than usual. Today I am unable to eat due to the tense atmosphere surrounding around my parents so ignoring the statement of my doctor to avoid fasting, I am currently on my room shouting within the top of my lungs, though it isn't your normal voice loud shouting. I am shouting through my texts, I am voicing my inner pain through these words I use, cause I don't want to cause trouble, nor do I want to cause grief, I want to protect my siblings, I don't want them to experience what a broken family feels like, but my parents' actions opposes so.

It is mortifying how I always notice these sudden dark atmosphere my parents emit these days. It's horrifying knowing full well that any time they might decide to pack up and leave, then they won't even think of looking back at what they might leave on. I really truly want to tell them to stop and talk it out, I want them to listen to my opinion about it. I want them to at least think for a moment how hurtful it is to hear our bond breaking to tiny million pieces.

Funny how I once thought that there are things money cannot buy, funny how I always oppose those cartoon villains that state money controls all. Now I realize how fragile money can make a person. How money can actually affect people's lives, How a single mention of money can turn my once happy home to a horrifying dead end.

With these intentions, I wish many things, I wish they can hear me now. I wish they could understand, I wish they can see, I wish they can feel before everything is too late. I have realized some things lately, how powerful my words are, I don't want to leave my siblings in pain and sorrow, I don't want to leave them vulnerable and no shelter to the harshness of life. I wish I can act fast as I write, I know my body and little by little I might come to the end. Like how I have wished it for. I want to settle my siblings before I go. I want them to be happy before everything else.

April 25, 2018

If you fucking wanted a maid in the first place you could have just hired one. Why would you even think of having a fucking baby when you only wanted it to return the favors that you gave it. the heck if you just wanted someone to boss around, go build a fucking company and be the boss of it. You just wanted someone to follow you around, to shout at when you want to, to be angry at if you have mistakes, to make the decisions for you. The heck I never signed up for this job nor have I wished to be born. Why the heck am I paying debts I never remembered owing, why am I paying for favors I never remembered begging, why am I paying for being alive,  when I never remembered wishing for it. Why was I given parents who never understands, why am I given parents who always quarrel and ends up with us getting caught on the crossfire. If ever we would choose who to side on, I bet I won't choose anyone. Because whichever I choose would be worse than the other. And they say we are the perfect family? Hah! Not a tiny bit. We are a ruined family who is just good at covering our traces. A fake, that's what we are, a fake

Null

Lately I have accepted that my feelings will not be reciprocated
I knew that later on I will be able to move on with everything, since in the first place it was just a petty crush. But then, learning that he too had feelings for me made my mind be in a total confusion. Why now? How? When? And the biggest question was... Is it really real? Or am I just a substitute?

too many questions are now running in my head, many unanswered riddles that keep on repeating. I admit I am scared of the truth, i don't even know why I am scared but I truly am. I don't even know how to face each of them. But they just keep on dominating my head, one time I feel butterflies but in the next, I feel guilt then be afraid. These are really driving me crazy.