NOv 17

The day of my birth, since I was young, I have always despised this day. I always finish the day with sadness and doubt within me. But a miracle happened today.

My family is currently having a huge financial problem leading me and my sister to stop our studies, I wanted to celebrate my birthday with my friends. So I decided to go to school, I haven't been to school for weeks and I left no trace with me in it. I literally just vanished out of school. But today I went to Gen to celebrate the day with her, but unfortunately, she has a class for 3:00 so I decided to proceed to the I.T Lab to wait for her. There I met Jia, one of my friends, we spent the whole hour waiting for Gen, we decided to go to her classroom to wait for her outside, I bumped into Alejo and told him that I was going to transfer schools, he pouted but greeted me for my birthday anyways. A couple moments later when me and Jia was outside Gen's class I saw Alejo again, I waved at him and he waved back before going inside their class. What shocked me was when my crush suddenly peeked his head from their classroom. At first I was not sure because of the distance but when he suddenly ran towards me I was shocked, he greeted me and played with my hands happily.

When I told Gen about it, she was thrilled and so was I. That moment really printed on my mind. I thought he was absent, I thought he was absent or better yet would not notice me since we are no longer classmates but to my surprise.. Oh my!!! I won't be sleeping easily this night..


-November 17

Rant

why do you always tell me to do this and do that, why do you always force me to be mature to think negatively. Why do you always tell me to think about all of your problems when I have my own. Why do you always show how much you hate me.'

You always got the chance to scream at me then reprimand me about things while I am stuck out here voicing my feelings to a stock up blog that only I and a few people can read. You have teached me many things but to accept the love given to me, since how can I learn to love myself when infact the love I should have recieved from the person who was supposed to give me never gave me in return.'

Playing with my heart

This feeling of hurt and doubt surrounding me, this feeling of anger and feeling like the demon inside you leads you to pains unimaginable. Tired of being invisible and being not listened to, how many shouts were you making before they even heard you, how many fucked up situations have you experienced but they still see an unworthy child when they look at you. You call them parents? Aren't they supposed to take care of you and even accept you together with your flaws. But why.. why are they the ones who sunk you down to the pit when you were wrong, when you act grumpy for their tasks given to you, they start counting THEIR own hardships in taking care of you, obvious of the fact that you never told them to conceive you, telling you that they wish you were never born.

The parents you should've relied on when you are in pain, the folks you should have cried hugging and soothing you with are the ones who are pushing you away and hurting you more with their heartless words and harsh comments about your existence.

I am tired of accepting, I am tired of staying quiet. I am tired of everything. An empty shell, no tomorrow a heartless corpse, that's what I am now.

please..

When I started to review things, I suddenly realized that even the person with the longest patience has it's own limitations.

There I started to ask myself, until when will I be the shadow of someone ahead of me? When will I let go of the doubt eating me, until when will I always give understanding to other people's mistakes? Until when should I suffer the consequence of the sins I did not commit?

And until when should I silence myself from the screams that are aching to let go? Until when should I try to fit in, when clearly I don't belong. Living on a parallel universe, still hoping that the time would come where I can finally forget the things. These questions keep running on my mind. Whn can it stop and leave me be.

my feelings

I thought every thing had changed, I thought I have someone to lean on now, I thought I was part of something extravagant. Then I have concluded, everything was just imaginary, all those moments were just illusions, you were just faking it.

Now I have proven, there are only two types of people around me, those people that never cares for you and shows it through their actions towards you. Then there are those people that only sees you as a benefit, they treat you good as long as they want and when they have achieved their goals. They treat you as trash.

I was really disappointed at the outcome of that friendship. I thought it was getting good and it's real, then I found out the true colors behind that fucking mask they wear on the outside. That bad habit of mine to accept people by who they are, in the end I end up hurting and crying because I was deceived and unexpectedly by someone who is too close to me. I thought they treasured me, that when they feel bad I would comfort them because when I am in need, they too would comfort me. But now when I need it most, they are nowhere to be found.

Seriously... do I have to go back to being the cold and loner me to avoid hurting this bad. Why can't any brain functioning being understand that I have had enough of this pain. This unpredictable pain that has no cure. Why can't they understand a simple request. That if they are just about to hurt me, then they should better yet leave me.

Should I just hang a sign that says "I've been hurt enough" so those pesky homo-erectus would just leave me be. Those brain damaged beings that keep walking on earth. Unable to identify anything except their own feelings.

I am disappointed and embarrassed to say that they have we are the same species. I feel awful to belong to the same air and universe as these beings.

Wow! what a surprise

I was disappointed, I feel abandoned. It was an unexpected turn of events. I thought I could trust in your words. I thought you were a man in your words. I felt like I was a fool waiting for you. I felt like I can't trust you enough to believe you.

It's hard on my part, I thought at the end there is your words that gives me strength. That you won't leave me hanging like the others do. I thought I can hang on to you when I need strength. That your words is enough to make me secure.

Alas, in the end. I expected too much, I believed easily, I trusted blindly. In the end, I am alone, barely making it to the day, barely even alive. Now you have robbed me of everything, my strength, my pride, my heart, my respect and now, my trust.

I am not angry at you, I am angry at myself. How could I have forgot. I was never the outgoing type, I was never the group member. I was never involved at a pair. I was always the one, the extra. Someone you see when you need it. Someone like me should not exist.

See? I am not angry, just disappointed. CONGRATULATIONS!! You have just broken my trust to you.

empty

they said that what you draw, compose or write is the exact mirror of what you feel, then how come now I feel empty but am still able to write words, phrases, or excerpt. How am I still able to voice out poems and excerpt to my friends when inside, I am hollow and barren.

These feelings that sleep within me, makes me rile up in emotions, fake as it seems but how can I explain, when in the end it's already the last game.

My dream of him

I am trying to forget him, but why is he in my dream? I was trying to get over him, but he keeps appearing on my dreams. It's difficult to forget, cause when I wake up, I always see. The extent of my liking him. Oh how hard it is to be me.

I keep questioning myself, why him? I know I have got no chances but my heart won't listen. I know that I am too naive to expect outcomes in the reality just like in my dreams but it's hard to teach your heart to behave when the time comes. I know that I am just hurting myself with what I am doing, specially when I know he doesn't share the same feelings with me.

I know that this is hard and my stupidity does run in my veins but hoping for the best, even if I know it's not worth it.

The arrow and the song

I shot an arrow into the air
It fell to earth I knew not where
For so swiftly it flew, the sight
Could not follow it in it's flight

I breathed a song into the air
It fell to earth I knew not where
For who has sight so keen and strong
That it could follow the flight of a song

Long long afterwards on an oak
I found the arrow still un-broke
And the song from beginning till the end
I found again in the heart of a friend

Now I've realized

now I realize

that thought in your mind, that forgotten thought that shouts "STOP". "You've had enough" That thought that always leave doubts in your being.

He shows signs of interest in you though deep inside, something tells you that you are just a friend in his eyes. That you are nothing but an acquaintance's existence. You are just a road to his one true love. You are just someone that would be forgotten..

It's bitter I know, though that is the truth in it. No need to idle in useless imaginations, stating that you and your prince charming were meant together. But in the end of that dream you've realized where you are..

Alone in the world with only that imagination to give you hope. Then if that is lost where would you be? Cursing at everything you see. Regretting the decision to believe.

I've had Enough

I am tired of crying over the same things. I am tired of being blamed things I didn't do. I am tired of being misunderstood. I am tired of being unheard. I am tired of understanding the wrong things other people do. I am tired of adjusting myself to be compatible to others. I am tired of feeling the same wounds over and over again.

I am tired of being forgotten by the ones who should've remembered me. I am tired of writing petty poems and blogs about my feelings because no one dared to listen. I am tired of keeping secrets that pains me to say. I am tired of being perfect just to please everyone everyday.

I am tired of blaming myself of every wrong actions I've done. I am tired of being left out in front of a crowd. I am tired of being alone back here in my room. I am tired of thinking that everything would be okay. I am tired of going home to the same anger you throw at me. I am tired of waking up hating my existence. I am tired of everything I am used to doing. So here I am left in thinking.

Should I stop now at this crucial moment? Should I shout that it's enough? Should I stop giving fake laughs and smiles? Should I? I wonder?

I Wish I had her Life

If only I was in her shoes, would they complement me the same? If I was her, would my life be perfect like what I see she has? If only I was who she is, would my hurt be satisfied?

Comparing me to another, ashamed of having me. Embarrassed of being related to me. A total disgrace, the black sheep of the family. The odd one out, the one born out of plan as they say.
If only I was what she is, maybe then he'd notice these feelings for him locked up inside me. Maybe I won't be left out at everything. Maybe my life won't be this miserable it seem.

If only I was not born the way I am, would things finally turn around. Would everything be finally clear. Would I be able to really understand my life. If I was her, maybe things will change for the better.

For once, maybe I'd appreciate my existence.

Thanks for Falling for my Best Friend

I first met you, then you met her
I was just your friend, now you're together
I watch from afar while you're with each other
Now you've fallen with one another

I knew that I had feelings for you
Hoping you'd return my feelings too
But alas the dice have rolled, tables have turned
You leave me broken and now shattered, I've learned

Up till now, I think it's the end
By the way thanks
For falling for my best friend
Even though it seems hard to comprehend
To see you with my EX- best friend


It seems hard to think that your crush or in my point love, is now totally and madly in-love, what's worse? He is truly, madly in-love with your best friend. And the thing is, she doesn't have a clue. You can see it in his eyes. Those eyes that never saw you, those eyes that declined you, those eyes that saw everything, excluding you.

You wanted to shout at her, how dare she do this! How dare she betrayed you! How dare she steal him away from you!. But the thing is, you were never a couple. You were just a friend in his eyes. You are just a friend to his now future girl-friend.

Outside you congratulate them though inside, you are crying, deep down wishing that if only you never knew him. If only you never knew her. Then maybe it won't hurt. Then maybe you won't experience the harsh reality that when it comes to love, you don't stand a chance.

Too much problems, in life, in school plus adding your heartbreak. Plus no one to lean on. Wouldn't it be a great reason for you to think of committing suicide? Wouldn't it be great to just escape and just fall asleep for eternity? But how can we?

This is the bitter truth, we wanted to die because of this but we can't. No matter what we do. This experience may teach us not to believe in fairytales and happy endings.

Just a thing I wanted to say:

To my Crush:

I became stupid because of you
I abandoned myself because of you
I became a jerk because of you
Didn't know you're a much bigger jerk than I do

Hate that I Love You

You say you care for me
Though today you leave me
You say you treasure me
But now you threw me

You say you need me
You say you love me
Then why were you lying to me?
Why are you breaking me?

You made me expect that there is something
You made me believe about everything
 You allowed me to fall deeply
Ending my heart shattered inside me

Does fooling me that entertaining?
Does loving me that disturbing?
Does liking me threatening?
If not, then what are you doing?

With you I end up hurt badly
With you I end up terribly lonely
With you I end up broken hardly
With you I expect too much, sadly

If only I could forget you
If only my heart could stop too
If only I could ease the pain too
If only I could hate that I love you..

Just a Normal Painful and Annoying Heart

Does your heart change when it gets hurt badly. Does it automatically shut down when it feels hurting and is now broken into pieces?

Basically, no. It just numbs you all over. Your heart just wants peace for once. It just wanted time out from all the drama happening. Ever wondering how long it'll last? It depends on the importance of the person you are recovering from.

Recovering quickly doesn't mean that the person was never important. It's just that you are mature enough to let go when it is time to. Have you ever tried moving on with life without the troubles of the heart? Have you ever tried walking down life's path without the nuisance of love?

What is the importance of the heart when all along, you are just tossed aside when it's done. Every love you experience equals pain in every other way. Be it emotional or physical. On this modern day, people die of stress and what is the common cause of stress to teenagers these days? Was it education? Financial problem? Or was it love?

Many people mistake love as a paradise then blames it when they experience hell. Why would they even bother starting this game when they can't make it to the finishing line?

You should be able to know that once you open the door of love, you can never return to the beginning. It's not a new baked bread that when it gets hot in your mouth, you'd just spit it out and you'd eat it again when you are ready.

So think before you act..

Best Friend NO more

I had never believed about the quote saying that "No man is an island". Well not until a certain someone came into my life. At first, I see him as an annoying jerk at school that just like to tease every human being, he is even a player at school, so a definite example of a jerk.

Until a time came when I was quietly sitting at my seat, there was a program that time that's why classes were suspended and we are the type of school to not allow a student out unless the program ends. And as a wonderful student I am I stayed inside the classroom. I was never a fan of noisiness.

He suddenly came near me and talked about things that surprisingly I understood. Then there it started, he treated me as his best friend like we have known each other since forever. We shared moments and finally I felt like I have someone on my back. But the hardship never left me.

Just a month after I entered my second year in college, he asked me to help him break-up with his current girl friend because he fell in-love with someone else. I don't understand what was going on with his head, but I felt broken hearing him explain what the problem is. I felt cheated specially when his current girlfriend never actually did anything bad, just loving him and being stupid to even stay with him with that attitude he's gained from transferring schools.

He even threatened me that I won't be his best friend anymore if I abandoned him. I told him that he won't be able to resist me but still went for it. And now he is currently earning his consequence on what he's done.

Maybe there is a thing called " guilty people never lasts ".

Gaining his Attention

In our lives there would always come a day where you meet someone that would change your view on love. You may not notice it but it does exist.

Now I am currently experiencing this so called "Crushing on the Opposite Gender" and may I say that it is hard, specially when you feel that you would never be noticed by him.

So you keep on just glancing at him, but still there comes a time where even glancing seems like it's not enough. You get jealous when he approaches other girls and just ignores you. The thing is, you can just approach him directly, be yourself, be jolly and befriend him. Simple right?

Though what will you do if you are the type of person that is cool on the outside but actually a coward on the inside. You are unable to approach him because your mind wanders off telling you negative thoughts of what would happen if you do approach him.

The thing is, not all what they teach you can apply to your situation. Believe me, I know, Why? Because I am currently in that position. unable to approach him. Waiting for some miracle to happen that at least he would talk to me.

Every time he would actually approach me, I'd act cold and seemingly like I never cared about anything but inside is different. I would even go to the extent where I actually search in the internet clues if he do like me. And believe me when I say this, not everything it says applies to you.

It's kind of confusing right? But still, what can I do? I am just a coward hiding behind a mask unable to voice out the feelings trapped inside my heart.

Miss Invisible

There are times when you feel invisible to the people around you. Where you feel insecure all of a sudden because of the attention given to other people excluding you. That inferior feeling where you'd rather vanish than feel this way.

That feeling where you were only noticed with all your mistakes though through all your achievements you are invisible. Yes they see you clearly as day though they treat you like you are so far away. Many things would come up of your mind. Are you hated? Despised? Abandoned?

Is it bad to say what you wanted to say? Is it sinful to act what you wanted to act? Voiceless, Powerless and Hopeless, those are the things that might come out when you are invisible. Unable to tell them that it hurts the way they treat you unequally, that it's painful to watch everything happen just in front of you. The unfair love and attention they give, the totality of it all which lacks when it comes to you.

Was it our fault when we cannot achieve their desired outcome. Was it our fault that because of too much expectations to pursue that we fall down to the ground. Was it our fault that we are now drifting away from them just because we are not their favorites. Was it our fault to choose to be invisible just to lessen the pain. Was it our fault that everything just doesn't seem right. Was it our fault to hate them back when they do the same. Was it our fault to act the way we want to because we are full of it. Was it our fault to request freedom from confinement.

Did you forget, we are humans capable of feelings. We also grow tired too.

Unknown Feeling

In life, there are instances where you suddenly feel lonely, sad or even disappointed at yourself for no apparent reason. That time in life where you keep searching for answers to a simple question still you are not satisfied with the answer.

When you enter this obstacle of your journey. There is just one possible answer, go to a quiet place, talk to yourself, what you feel right now is what you call realization. The point in life where your body suddenly remembers the feeling of being sad and disappointed. In this cases only you can solve your problem. No need to seek help from other people, since you yourself are the only ones whom knew yourself by heart. Well unless you are like me, who even at my age still doesn't know who I actually am. What part of the journey I belonged to and what purpose I have.

In this situation, try seeking out answers outside the box. Elaborate the scope of your surroundings, try everything available by your physical strength then maybe one day you'd finally be successful in finding yourself and solving that unknown feeling.

Misunderstanding

I for once am a victim of misunderstanding.

Be it at school or even at home, I was always misunderstood by people around me. For instance, my life is just like anyone, ordinary as it may seem. Though inside this facade that I always show on public, I am lonely and always been misunderstood by my own mother.

Actually on my point of view, she never even liked me. She never cared about me actually, it's like whatever I do, I always be the stupid girl that she would like to abandon in the corner. Good thing that my Dad has the opposite effect.

Well as you can see, even at home I am exposed to this hurtful feeling. That feeling where you are unheard by the people around you, that your voice is too little to be noticed. That is how hard it is to people, being accused of things that were not true.

It actually hurts.

welcome to my life

Have you ever felt like you really want to break down and just let it all go? Like you are alone and was never wanted by the world? Have you ever felt disregarded by everything around you and just left there forgotten by all? Well, I can relate to that.

I am a student on the brink of her teenage years and am experiencing those things, I always wake up each morning, thinking to myself if I was really meant for this world or was I just a girl born on the wrong side of a parallel universe. Sometimes, I experience doubts about myself, I even feel insecurities that I am shocked to know that I have. So here I was turning to people, asking questions that I know they won't be able to answer. Asking them questions like, why am I here? Am I a mistake? Or even the question, Are you happy that you knew me?

I am so depressed in looking for answers that I didn't bother looking back for me to see that the answer is right under my noses all along. Why ask if I was a mistake when just by your presence someone is already happy. Why question your existence when all along you are the reason someone is happy in their life. Then I realized, I keep looking, finding answers to my impossible questions, turning to people whom I know would never answer me when there are people whom have answered my questions without me asking them to.

So if you are someone who feels like the world is leaving you behind? Someone who feels like everyone is just kicking you back when you are falling down?

I am telling you, you don't have to look forward and watch that world when you can look back and see those people who are with you as you are falling down, those people who are with you when you never really noticed them, those people that was always there to answer your call and protect you when you never begged them to.

OPEN YOUR EYES TO THOSE PEOPLE THAT COMFORTS YOU WHEN YOU NEEDED IT MOST. AND YOU WILL FINALLY ENJOY LIFE AS IT IS.